This wasn't how I expected things to go this year...
Amesbury Fields, UK, 2014
I have several friends and clients who are in the middle of a life-quake including life-threatening health diagnoses, aging parents, financial challenges, and loss of employment. They say that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but these life events will forever change them.
How do you navigate the day when it seems like the world around you is in pain and chaos? While I have a fabulous recipe for Apple Tarte Frangipane, recipes for human relations are far more elusive. Here are some lessons I learned while coaching clients in distress:
Acknowledge what is. Whatever is happening is difficult and awful for the person experiencing it, as well as for those around them. Allow space for the discomfort, the awkwardness, and the pain. There’s nothing to fix. Many people in distress are afraid to dive into the hard emotions. Giving them a safe space to experience hard emotions could be a relief as well as a gift.
King’s Garden, Copenhagen, Denmark 2023
Honor the pain process just as it is. The way a person in pain experiences their situation is the only way they can feel that pain. Statements like ‘it’s not so bad, at least this (other thing) didn’t happen to you’, and ‘you’ll be ok’ are not helpful. They are processing the pain to the best of their abilities and your nudging them in a new direction sends the message that they are wrong for feeling what they are feeling. The only way out is through. Allow them to decide on their path.
Keep your emotions in check. Your role is to support the person in pain, not to add to the emotional drama. I have a friend in the middle of cancer treatment. She avoids telling others because when well-meaning friends get caught up in the diagnosis, she ends up being the emotional caretaker for her friends.
Ask them: ‘What support would you like right now?’. This allows them to decide what would be most helpful at this moment. When a life-quake hits, the loss of control can send a person spinning. It’s important to keep the focus on their needs. Please get your needs met elsewhere.
Honor the grief process. Everyone grieves differently. Whether it's a loss of health, of someone they loved, or of life as they knew it, grief is present. When I lost my dog Wallace, I wanted to be alone. My close friends knew this about me and gave me my much-needed space (thank you!). Others prefer to grieve with close family/friends. Everyone processes change and grief in their unique way. Honor and respect their choices.
Oslo City Hall, Oslo, Norway 2023
I send my love to those of you who are in deep pain, you know who you are. If you know someone going through a painful experience, I hope you find these ideas helpful. Here are a couple of additional resources:
As a resilience coach, it’s important to allow a client the time to process whatever is happening before taking any next steps. Resilience is not about moving forward no matter what. It’s about acknowledging our shared humanity, processing events in our lives, grieving losses, finding nuggets, and then choosing a path forward.
This was not how I expected 2024 to go so far, I wonder what’s next?