What are you doing with your space?
A famous quote from Viktor Frankl reads:
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
I found myself getting curious about that space. How large is it? What happens there? What are the possibilities? And how does anxiety fit into this space? I came up with this:
The Space
As I worked through this process, I realized that a LOT goes on in this space. Sometimes the process happens in a few seconds: if I trip and fall, I get back up and continue walking with little thought. Other times, it can take months or even years: being assigned a new manager with whom we don't get along, and finally finding a role with a new group - 6 months.
I was very curious about this thought process, as well as the story that’s created about an event. Let's use the example from a recent client who had been reassigned to a challenging boss. We've all been there: this new manager doesn't get us and the stress levels can become intolerable. Here’s what we worked on:
Step 1: Understand
What do you know to be true? Everything you include here must be a FACT.
I have a new manager and the relationship is difficult
I disagree with her approach to work and it's causing me stress.
She's a terrible manager and should be fired. --- this thought, while you may honestly believe it and could share examples of what you perceive as incompetency, is an opinion, not a fact. The fact here is that you've taken a dislike to this person and it's affecting your perception. A better way to state this might be: This is an uncomfortable situation because I don't understand my new manager’s thinking process so I no longer know how to work with this person.
I am still employed by the same company.
Several people have given notice in the last 3 months.
I'm feeling stressed about this change.
Susan T-Rex, BC Museum of Natural History, 2023
Step 2: Explore
What options exist? What's possible? How creative can you get here?
I can stay and do nothing; This always happens and it's just not fair.
I can stay and complain to anyone who will listen
I can stay and try a few strategies with my boss to see what may work
I can challenge my manager and see what happens
I can stay and talk to HR about this new situation
I can stay and talk to my manager about our challenge and collaborate on our future working relationship
I can stay and talk to my colleagues about the new culture that's evolving
I can explore positions on other teams
I can revamp my LinkedIn profile and my CV
I can reconnect with my network and see what other options are out there
I can focus my energy on the work I know I have to do and my home life
I can practice better boundaries with this role (signing off my computer at 6 p.m.) so that I limit this manager's influence on my personal life
I can sign up for a course that will help me learn a new skill, something I've been wanting to do for a while now.
I can work with a coach to help me decide on next steps
I can quit and join the circus
I can take a few mental health days to take a breath and decide on next steps
I can increase my self-care to reduce my stress levels
I can drink more wine to make the situation more tolerable
etc….
There are many options available, and just making this list allows you to reclaim some of your power. Get creative here. Are there others who might support you as you create this list?
Step 3: Decide
Choose an option (or more than one). From the previous list, which option(s) is/are best for you? Which one(s) best aligns with your values? Maybe there are choices that work for the short term, and choices that work for the long term so that your solution has multiple options. What is the best possible outcome?
In this case, my client chose a two-pronged strategy (short-term fix and long-term fix):
She's staying with her current manager while approaching her interactions with this manager as a lab experiment. Following every interaction, she made a few notes about what happened, gathering data. In this way, she's getting more information from her manager's interaction habits and she can explore different ways of behaving to see what might work best. The reframing of the situation into an experiment allowed her to view this issue as less weighty and allowed for more creativity and openness to new thoughts.
In addition, she's also updating her CV and warming up her network. This backup plan gives her more autonomy.
Step 4: Respond
Take action on your chosen path.
My client put these responses in place and found herself in a very different place within a couple of weeks. She started to move from victim thinking: 'My manager is making my life miserable' to a more empowered mindset: 'I don't appreciate my manager, but I'm working on several strategies to explore this further. I am also starting to look at other options.’ She's fully into her power and is still ready to make a bigger change if need be. She's also growing her negotiation and boundary-setting skills.
Step 5: Reflect
This is an often overlooked step. It's easy to get busy and move on, but taking the time to reflect on the situation can provide important insights and learnings. What worked, what didn't work, and what lessons presented themselves?
To continue the example here, my client realized that when major events happen that don't match her expectations, she is prone to spending a lot of time in victim mode. This is a natural reaction. As soon as she shifted to what she could control, her outlook changed and she started finding solutions that weren't obvious in her previous thought process. While her manager wasn't an ideal manager, she also learned to advocate for herself and take charge of her own career. This change had turned into an opportunity, inviting her to become more assertive, to set better boundaries, and to take steps to move into her next role. She learned that she did have the skills and abilities to move into her chosen path. These insights were important reminders of how powerful she really was.
An additional step in the reflection process is to decide on the story of what happened. We start with a story using the initial information we received. But as we get more information, our brains try to make sense of what's coming in, and the story grows. As we move through the process, the story may shift perspectives from a 'woe is me' to a 'wow, I'm pretty resilient!' narrative. It all depends on the person's perspective. There's nothing wrong with telling a victim story. But when you choose to stay with the victim narrative, you've given all your power away and the reality is: that no one is coming to save you. It will be up to you to reframe the story so that you're the hero and you're taking the lead to move toward your own future.
This process is not a one-way path. Sometimes, new information comes into play and you start over. Sometimes, anxiety keeps clients stuck in Steps 1 and 2 (more on that in the next newsletter). There are all sorts of bumps in the road, but there are also positive surprises. The important thing is to take the time to explore this space so that you can make the best decision for you and your situation. It's up to you to invest the time and energy in what you really want, and no one can do this but you.
Life is full of changes and opportunities to explore new options. What are you doing with your space? Are you giving yourself enough time to work through the different steps while in this space? What do you notice when you take this time?